Here's the full text of my speech, this evening. J.P.M.
The ancient family Murgatroid is one of the oldest landowners in England. The name is recorded in the Doomsday Book, smudged slightly by what experts have now proved to be virgin blood. Church records describe the family as being descended from the earliest Britons, but with some Viking blood coming from invaders who, through poor navigation, landed in Cornwall believing it to be the most easterly of the Hawaiian Islands.
The first famous Murgatroid is the feudal Baron, Havelock Murgatroid, who was born in 1442. Known as the ‘Black Toenail’, Havelock was a cruel man but with a passion for music. He was given to treating his servants to impromptu performances using the tightened guts of pigs stretched across a plank of wood. Since the guts were still in the poor animals at the time, the sounds they produced were said to be truly excruciating. In recent years, he has been acknowledged as one of the early pioneers of English folk music.
His eldest son, Drake, was an explorer who wasted most of the family fortune in search of America. His treatise, ‘On My Search for the New World’, details his explorations and belief that the New World would be found somewhere in the area of Lemmington Spa. He was killed by locals who grew tired of his declaring their gardens property of 'Her Glorious Majesty, Queen Elizabeth'. He left no issue and it was Havelock Murgatroid’s second son, Maurice, who carried on the family name.
Maurice was the most artistic of all the Murgatroids, and it is his skill as an architect and engineer that produced the Great Murgatroid Gates. Standing one hundred feet tall, they were erected in the family grounds in the year 1512 and stood until the year 1513, giving twelve months of glorious service. Nobody knows why the gates collapsed but fifty seven peasants, employed to support them with long poles, were crushed under the rubble. In honour of the peasants' sacrifice and to save money, the bodies were left where they lay; a fitting tribute to one of the greatest minds of the Elizabethan age.
The next interesting member of the Murgatroid family was Lawrence Murgatroid, the novelist. Born in 1723, he was a contemporary of Daniel Defoe, and some say, one of the greatest plagiarists of his age. His nineteen novels include ‘Tristram Cider’, ‘Tim Jones’, and the now classic text, beloved by all school children, ‘Ronseal Crusoe’. He is the only person to be sentenced to death for the crime of plagiarism. After fleeing to the West Indies, he became a notorious pirate, nicknamed ‘Laughing Larry’, but was still producing novels well into his eighties, including the classic gothic novel, ‘The Castle of Oregano’.
In 1732, Lawrence’s sister, Lady Charlotte Murgatroid, invented the whalebone corset and thereby set the world crazy for harpoons. A special ivory ring was given to her by the Association of Whalers to commemorate the day they made a fourteenth species of whale extinct in 1754.
One of the greatest figures in the Murgatroid history is the warrior, General Hector Peas Murgatroid. A notorious gambler and womaniser, he fought in countless wars until he lost his right lobe of manhood to the Boars. From then on, he dedicated himself to reforming his life and became one of the early pioneers of stitch craft, influencing the great Victorian aesthete, William Morris. He is also believed to be the person who first coined the word ‘chintz’.
The family had no significant ancestors until the beginning of the twentieth century when Captain Hugo Murgatroid excelled himself by killing nine German soldiers in a single day. That was in the year 1913 and if it had only happened twelve months later, he might not have been convinced of murder and executed a week later.
On the more recent generations of Murgatroids, Cyril Murgatroid stands out perhaps the most interesting. A notorious cad and bounder, he gave issue to twenty-seven bastard progeny: Mavis, Maurice, Harvey, John, Winkle, Simon, Gandalf, Gladis, Antony, Declan, Michael, Michelle, Ian, Hardy, Russell, Horace, David, Cameron, Peter, Paul, Mary, Bob, Fred, Elizabeth, Victor, Heinz, and not forgetting tiny little Tim. More remarkable than the twenty seven children is the fact that parish records list thirty two different mothers.
The current family Murgatroid is now led by the patriarch, William Peas Murgatroid. Born in 1925, he achieved his own fame by writing a series of books on political theory. Perhaps his greatest accomplishment was the formulation of ‘The Murgatroid Doctrine’, which posits the complete overthrow of all foreign governments in favour of colonial rule by the British. His next book, ‘Damn All Foreign Muck’, will be published in the New Year.
His son, Jacob – the author of this monograph – has been identified by Forbes Magazine as one of the 10 figures in British political life most likely to achieve greatness. He is currently a prospective Tory Party candidate and makes oodles of cash by playing the markets.
© Jacob Peas Murgatroid, 2006.
Monograph on the Family Murgatroid
By the Honourable Jacob Peas Murgatroid.
By the Honourable Jacob Peas Murgatroid.
The ancient family Murgatroid is one of the oldest landowners in England. The name is recorded in the Doomsday Book, smudged slightly by what experts have now proved to be virgin blood. Church records describe the family as being descended from the earliest Britons, but with some Viking blood coming from invaders who, through poor navigation, landed in Cornwall believing it to be the most easterly of the Hawaiian Islands.
The first famous Murgatroid is the feudal Baron, Havelock Murgatroid, who was born in 1442. Known as the ‘Black Toenail’, Havelock was a cruel man but with a passion for music. He was given to treating his servants to impromptu performances using the tightened guts of pigs stretched across a plank of wood. Since the guts were still in the poor animals at the time, the sounds they produced were said to be truly excruciating. In recent years, he has been acknowledged as one of the early pioneers of English folk music.
His eldest son, Drake, was an explorer who wasted most of the family fortune in search of America. His treatise, ‘On My Search for the New World’, details his explorations and belief that the New World would be found somewhere in the area of Lemmington Spa. He was killed by locals who grew tired of his declaring their gardens property of 'Her Glorious Majesty, Queen Elizabeth'. He left no issue and it was Havelock Murgatroid’s second son, Maurice, who carried on the family name.
Maurice was the most artistic of all the Murgatroids, and it is his skill as an architect and engineer that produced the Great Murgatroid Gates. Standing one hundred feet tall, they were erected in the family grounds in the year 1512 and stood until the year 1513, giving twelve months of glorious service. Nobody knows why the gates collapsed but fifty seven peasants, employed to support them with long poles, were crushed under the rubble. In honour of the peasants' sacrifice and to save money, the bodies were left where they lay; a fitting tribute to one of the greatest minds of the Elizabethan age.
The next interesting member of the Murgatroid family was Lawrence Murgatroid, the novelist. Born in 1723, he was a contemporary of Daniel Defoe, and some say, one of the greatest plagiarists of his age. His nineteen novels include ‘Tristram Cider’, ‘Tim Jones’, and the now classic text, beloved by all school children, ‘Ronseal Crusoe’. He is the only person to be sentenced to death for the crime of plagiarism. After fleeing to the West Indies, he became a notorious pirate, nicknamed ‘Laughing Larry’, but was still producing novels well into his eighties, including the classic gothic novel, ‘The Castle of Oregano’.
In 1732, Lawrence’s sister, Lady Charlotte Murgatroid, invented the whalebone corset and thereby set the world crazy for harpoons. A special ivory ring was given to her by the Association of Whalers to commemorate the day they made a fourteenth species of whale extinct in 1754.
One of the greatest figures in the Murgatroid history is the warrior, General Hector Peas Murgatroid. A notorious gambler and womaniser, he fought in countless wars until he lost his right lobe of manhood to the Boars. From then on, he dedicated himself to reforming his life and became one of the early pioneers of stitch craft, influencing the great Victorian aesthete, William Morris. He is also believed to be the person who first coined the word ‘chintz’.
The family had no significant ancestors until the beginning of the twentieth century when Captain Hugo Murgatroid excelled himself by killing nine German soldiers in a single day. That was in the year 1913 and if it had only happened twelve months later, he might not have been convinced of murder and executed a week later.
On the more recent generations of Murgatroids, Cyril Murgatroid stands out perhaps the most interesting. A notorious cad and bounder, he gave issue to twenty-seven bastard progeny: Mavis, Maurice, Harvey, John, Winkle, Simon, Gandalf, Gladis, Antony, Declan, Michael, Michelle, Ian, Hardy, Russell, Horace, David, Cameron, Peter, Paul, Mary, Bob, Fred, Elizabeth, Victor, Heinz, and not forgetting tiny little Tim. More remarkable than the twenty seven children is the fact that parish records list thirty two different mothers.
The current family Murgatroid is now led by the patriarch, William Peas Murgatroid. Born in 1925, he achieved his own fame by writing a series of books on political theory. Perhaps his greatest accomplishment was the formulation of ‘The Murgatroid Doctrine’, which posits the complete overthrow of all foreign governments in favour of colonial rule by the British. His next book, ‘Damn All Foreign Muck’, will be published in the New Year.
His son, Jacob – the author of this monograph – has been identified by Forbes Magazine as one of the 10 figures in British political life most likely to achieve greatness. He is currently a prospective Tory Party candidate and makes oodles of cash by playing the markets.
© Jacob Peas Murgatroid, 2006.
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