What Ho Proles!
I said WHAT HO PROLES!
I’m afraid I can’t hear you. I’m having a little trouble with my hearing on account of… Well, I suppose I should tell you the whole story. It’s not every day that a chap goes completely deaf in the space of two posts.
This afternoon, just after I’d given you the low-down on my situation vis-à-vis the next chapter of memoir, the storms, and the situation with the drains, we had a slight accident here at the Hall. Nobody’s injured, but I’ve lost my hearing and My Man has lost his eyebrows.
What happened is this: just as I was going through the next 2000 word chunk of narrative, there was this God almighty explosion. It literally rocked the house. Glass came raining in, books fell from shelves, and I was knocked ten feet across my room and came to rest in the fireplace. Damn lucky for me, it wasn’t lit at the time. Still a crack on brow and a head covered in soot was the least of my troubles. I came out from under the mantelpiece to find dust hanging in the air, light fittings still shaking, and Yours Truly unable to hear a ruddy thing. I’ve gone completely deaf. The doctor says (or, that is, he wrote this on a sheet of paper for me) that my hearing should return in a day or two. In meantime, all I can hear is a whistle. I said a WHISTLE.
As to the explosion... It would seem that is was gas. By all accounts, the fireball was seen for miles and certain villagers believing we were at war again went into blackout conditions. It was nothing so momentous I’m afraid. In fact, it was quite the opposite. The chap who inspected our drains this afternoon had not replaced the grid properly and it would appear that an abnormally large build up of methane from the blocked sewer ignited when My Man started to burn leaves. Centuries of digestive gases went up in a flash. You might say, that is was the by-product of a meal eaten by my ancestor Lawrence Murgatroid that took off My Man’s eyebrows. Odd thing when you think of it like that.
Anyway, this is the latest excuse for my not posting a chapter. I know they get more extreme with every day, but I can hardly be blamed – except in a vaguely biological way – for what happened, can I?
I expect to hear more tomorrow, in more ways than one. I only hope the insurance will pay for all the damage. It will be very hard to describe the cause and I fear that the insurance company will think something stinks about the whole ruddy mess.
We’ll speak soon.
I said: WE’LL SPEAK SOON…
Jolly good. As you were.
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2 comments:
Oh dear!
I said OH DEAR!
I do hope that your hearing will return nicely. Explosions are not good for hearing. I'm sure you know that. You can't even listen to opera to calm your nerves.
Well, you can watch foreign films and read the subtitles!
My hearing is returning, but I had to write off yesterday and stay in bed. The headaches were terrible. Today, I feel much better and can hear almost everything except for the letters 'R' and 'W'. I might even attempt to write something for my blog.
And, Momentary, I have to thank you for the recommendations. Last night I read a short novel by Gabriel Garcia Marquez and today My Man nip out and I will watch a foreign film, The Bicycle Thieves. It has made the temporary deafness almost pleasurable.
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