Proles Corner

What Ho Proles!

And I should say: Welcome to Proles Corner…

In what short time my blog has been live, I’ve been sent a broad range of emails. Some have asked me to help save endangered animals, such as the Patagonian Rubber Eared Baboon (I said no). Some ask me to rehouse young female Russians aged between 17 and 21 (I said 'What Ho!'). Whilst others have simply wanted to borrow my bank account to help large quantities of cash (I said maybe).

Many of the letters, however, have been from readers soliciting me for advice. I’ve been putting them aside, classing them as a valuable though second class correspondence, with the aim gathering such letters into a regular column where I might advise my regular readers and help them cope with life. I like to think of myself as Dear Deidre but with a little more tweed.

This is my opportunity to provide an online clinic for people’s problem and if you do need a bit of advice, you can email me at jpm@whathoproles.com. I shall do my best to answer your questions, solve problems of etiquette, or give you sort of wisdom that have served the Murgatroid family well for generations. You must remember, at all times, that I’m here to listen. I might not care, but I will certainly lend you my ear.

And now, with no more shilly-shallying, the letters…

Dear Murgatoid,

I found your website after googling around for something to do with politics and the UK parliamentary system. I am interested in politics and I’m considering studying it at university. I’m thinking of starting out in local politics. Do you have any advice?

Daniel P.

Dear Daniel,

My first piece of advice is: learn some manners, my boy. I did not achieve my Honourable title for inconsequential people to address me by my surname.

As for higher education: do you plan to go to Oxford or Cambridge? If you’re going to Oxford, then I’d simply advise you to have a good time. The rest will sort itself out, have no doubt about that. I have very little to say about a Cambridge education except to warn you away from that den of equality. Mind you, should you end up there, I doubt very much if it should stand in the way of your making a career out of politics. Just try to avoid the people with common accents. They have to allow them in, I suppose, to fill some government quota, but it doesn’t mean me should mix with them. Remember the Murgatroid motto: little good comes from denim or Yorkshire.

Yours truly,

The Honourable J.P.M.

Dear Honourable,

Why don’t you include more pictures on your blog? Most blogs I like to visit every day have at least some multimedia content and your’s should have the same. Can’t you at least provide a picture of your house? How about some pictures of the grounds of the estate? What does your man look like? What do you look like?

Lorraine P,
New Mexico, USA.

Dear Lorraine,

My, my… Some people demand so much but contribute very little. If I were to adopt the habits of the average blogger, I would be no better than that: average. You must remember, my dear, that I am an English Tory gentleman. That brings with it certain requirements. I have standards. This blog shall remain free of media and heavy on words. If you don’t like that, then may I politely inform you about the asperity of your dairy products. In other words, my dear: hard cheese.

Respectfully,

The Honourable J.P.M.

Dear Jacob,

My boyfriend […].

Sarah Q, Dundee.

Dear Sarah,

I’ve omitted a portion of your letter. I have no interest in reading about your love life and I’m quite sure my readers would be equally unimpressed. Please learn to have a little dignity. Not everybody is interest in what you do with your body, nor what half the population of Dundee has done with your body. And in my opinion, your boyfriend deserves locking up. What he did with that cream horn warrants criminal prosecution.

Good day to you, Madam.

Respectfully,

The Honourable J.P.M.

Dear Mr. Murgatroid,

Do you honestly expect to get into parliament with your attitude? You represent a bygone era of British life and British culture. With your house and servants, and your supposed wit, you’re a pale imitation of the great Wodehouse, and a poor representative of what was once a great political party. Cease your sham!

We Tories don’t need your sort muddying the electoral waters.

Yours,

Neville C., Hull.

Dear Neville,

I’d appreciate it if you’d take your Communist talk back to Russia with you. You Red Devil! Have I mentioned that My Man is armed to the teeth with knuckles? I cannot help but be what I am. As for professing to be a Tory: I knew Cameron when he was at Eton, so there’s nothing you can tell me about him that I’ve not seen in the communal showers.

Respectfully,