A Dispatch From Under the Sheets

What Ho Proles!

Writing about Catherine the Great, a supposedly immoral poet once wrote of:

The shudder which runs naturally through
Our veins, when things called Sovereigns think it best
To kill, and Generals turn it into jest.

Having taken to my sick bed over the weekend, I decided to take a volume of this chap’s verse with me and try to get a handle on what the fellow was on about.

Now, those of you who know me will admit that I am a man who does not shrink away from the concept of military sacrifice. ‘A strong army is a resolute army’ is a cornerstone of the Murgatroid creed; which is why I’ve decided to come out and declare where I stand on the whole rummy issue of Iraq. Call it one too many sniffs of my Vicks Sinex, if you wish, but I think it’s time the Honourable J.P. thought through his official response to the whole blasted mess. We Tories will soon have to tidy up it up, so why not have a quick peek around the corner and see what we’re letting ourselves in for?

As I understand the current situation, it is akin to the hokey-cokey. We need to either put more troops in, or take all troops out. In, out. In, out. And, if I might say so, shake it all about… Which takes us neatly back to the poetry. Lord B. knew all about putting things in and out, especially during his time in Greece. And he also died before he got chance to shoot his flintlocks in anger. And that is just my point. Even George Gordon had confused messages over the concepts of love and war. Read his collected poems and you’ll find it to be a pretty little treatise on the subject of violent death and sexual excess… So mixed are his feelings towards war, he may well have been some modern action movie star, lambasting the poor President before demanding the UN to send troops into Darfur. And, might I say, nobody complained when the Paras went into Sierra Leone and dealt with the West Side Boys.

So, you see, we can all succumb to wish to exert power when we’ve not been brought up to handle the responsibility. I could have guessed that Tony Blair would give in to the fundamental instinct to use his army. He had one lying around and they’d only be gathering dust in some aircraft hanger… Every leader has an itchy trigger and every human soul harbors a dictatorial spirit hoping to burst out.

Which is why we aristocrats should always be left in charge. We’re well used to having dangerous weapons around the house. I fired my first shotgun in anger when I six years old. I think I can be trusted with a few divisions of mechanized cavalry. Don’t you? And as a solution to the Iraqi crisis: call me unpopular, but I think we need a man with the determination of Richard Nixon to lead us you through it. He makes a few peaceful overtures to the Chinese Iranians and the troops would home before the end of 1973 2008. Then, as they say, a man called Robert will then be your father’s sister’s husband.