Much Tofu About Nothing

Damn these liberals. First they invent tofu and now they want to take away our nuclear deterrent. It’s ruddy double faced, if you ask me.

Don’t they know that our Trident missiles are a reason why people still listen to the British? It sometimes beggars belief that people listen to the liberal types who’d have us left unarmed against the hoards. Do you really think these other countries care a jot about what we think? They don’t love us for Celebrity Come Dancing or Jonathan Ross. They love us because they fear us. They appreciate us because they know we could destroy the world, not once, but many times over.

I was born in the middle of the Cold War – in fact some people might say I contributed towards it – so I understand the politics of it rather well. Nuclear missiles are terrible terrible things and that’s why we should have them. The same is true of tofu though, admittedly, I don’t fear the day when a hostile nation launches soya products our way. But we must face reality. Now tofu’s invented, there’s not much we can do to uninvent it. The best we can do is keep it in deeply fortified bunkers, hoping the day will never come when the roast potatoes and veg run out and we have to use it.

So, there you go. Keep the bomb and let’s keep tofu too.